Screwtape Proposes a Memo Regarding Candidates for Ordination

Screwtape Proposes a Memo

Regarding Candidates for Ordination

From Honour Broadroad,
Bishops’ Advisor on Equality, Diversity and Inclusion:

For a number of years the Church of England has had an effective and proper policy on identifying political affiliations which exclude candidates for ordination. In a drive to broaden the inclusive nature of the Church’s ministry, it is proposed that this list of exclusions be supplemented by incisive questions to be asked of ordinands.

Practice is already ahead of policy in some of our larger dioceses, so these questions will serve in the interim to exclude people in order to make the church more inclusive. They may be used in formal or informal settings, to ensure that we all think in the same diverse way.

Suggested questions include:

  • Have you been a member of UKIP or the Brexit Party?
  • Did you vote to Leave the European Union?
  • Have you been a member of the Conservative Party?
  • Did you vote for Boris?
  • Do you read the Daily Telegraph?
  • Have you ever touched a copy of the Daily Mail?
  • Have you ever watched GB News?
  • Have you ever been on GB News?

As you can see, the Church is finally getting to the real questions that matter. It is vitally important the Church appears as diverse as possible at first glance, provided uniformity of outlook is rigidly maintained.

There have been suggestions from church members that maybe we ought to focus on candidates’ beliefs on the Bible, Creeds and Articles, but we consider these to be minority concerns only. We will in due course set up a working committee to consider such matters, while we will get on with the important issues of the Faith, like Equality, Diversion and Inclusion.

Our principles are clear:

  • In order to broaden diversity, we must narrow opinion.
  • In order to reflect all voices, we must exclude those who say objectionable things.
  • In order to be more inclusive, we must vet more strictly those who wish to be ordained.
  • In order to avoid accusations of racism, we will assume all people from minority backgrounds think the same way.
  • In order to find greater unity, we must promote divisive policies.


Screwtape comments: Excellent work, my dear, a succinct summary of our earlier discussion. Be sure to publish it under your name, of course. See to it that the ‘minority concerns’ you mention remain with the minority. Confining discussion of doctrinal belief to a committee should work, lest these ‘concerns’ distract from our mission. Keep the Church focused on non-essentials as the basis of her unity. ‘Diversity in everything but opinion’ remains the watchword.